Raederle

  Your identity is the sum of your boundaries: the things to which you say “Yes,” and the things which you say “No.” What is your favorite food? Your answer is a preference, a boundary, a piece of your selfhood.  To tell you, “No, that’s not your favorite food,” is to gaslight you. To tell you, “That’s not a very good choice,” may shame you. To tell you, “You must choose something else instead,” is to violate you – by violating your boundaries.  Boundary violation is so painful because it is an attack on our right to selfhood, identity, and ego. When you say “I,” you are referring to your collection of boundaries, which are your preferences. Some of those preferences are needs – which may include physical sovereignty (for example, not being attacked). Some of those preferences are wants – which may include getting to eat your favorite food every day. Needs are rigid boundaries which, when compromised, leave you feeling like less of yourself – less of a whole human being. ...