Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Borderline Personality Disorder

I would have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder had I seen a psychotherapist in my teens. I discovered this by reading "Girl, Interrupted" which has two very good chapters about "borderline personality disorder" toward the end.
People who are breaking their programming from childhood or resisting the domestication process will seem very borderline, indeed. They might become highly self-centered and narcissistic as they embrace the truth of themselves. They might find so much pain inside that they wall themselves off in a narcissistic bubble for a time. They might have been fairly "normal" people before their awakening process started, but if they're ready to open up, face their shadows, and begin to heal, they might start becoming unable to "function" in this world as they become aware of the truth of themselves and this world.
If you want some concrete evidence of the psychosis of our entire society here in United States (where I live), read any of John Taylor Gatto's books. I'm astonished by the real history that created compulsory schooling for children (public schools), and what it is doing to all of us who attended. I am shocked that I didn't see before how systematically public schooling (almost completely irregardless of the individual teachers we've had) strips us of our self-trust, of our emotional compass, of our intuition, of our motivation, of our drives and dreams. It is actually part of the original design.
This is more evident to me than most people because school took longer to break me than most. I still had a lot of my intuition in tact at ten, but most children don't. Most give up in first or second grade, which means the period of their life where they were really in-touch and intuitive is often blocked entirely from their memory as part of that traumatic start in this world. Because I still had some of my intuition in tact, I felt constantly violated by a school system and networks of adults that sought out to invalidate me with their statements like, "I know better," and "I have more life experience than you," and so on.
When you start digging through your past ardently and really start to open up, you'll find that you become someone that the psycho community can easily label with a dozen disorders, because they label anybody who can't cope with the poisonous society we live in.
I wear a carbon filter mask almost everywhere I go when I leave the house. I can't stand most kinds of social gatherings. I can't hold any job where I can't choose my own hours. (I've worked freelance since I was eighteen.)
I can't conform enough to directions to get excellent grades in school. I did great work, but I couldn't cope with restrictive, stupid directions.
I can't maintain a consistent sleep schedule where I sleep the same hours every night.
I can't tolerate menstrual pads, tampons, or other bleached artificial stuff anywhere down there and thus I do things very differently on my moon time.
I can't eat boxed/packaged foods without severe, severe reactions that can last for weeks after a small serving.
I switch between different internal selves and seem distinctly like multiple people to those who know me well.
I can't tolerate small talk.
I can trace every physical symptom I experience back to the root emotion that caused it. (For example, the root cause of chronic constipation.)
Now, you tell me, do I have a disorder? Dozens. Easily dozens. And I'm not even writing the embarrassing stuff about myself yet. Or at least, the stuff that most people would frown on so harshly that they wouldn't be able to see past their own triggers to recognize me as a fellow human any more.
Thing is, anyone who has started to break out of their identification with their past could be diagnosed with a disorder or ten. That's part of why I wrote my poem, Serious Condition: Madness. The poem explains how they'll prescribe a medication to you for a "lost lover" – for grief. They will profit from your (very normal and healthy) misery. They'll help you "cope" and "function" at the price of your humanity. It is sick.
In truth, there are no disorders. There are only those individuals who are facing their shadows actively, and those who are living with their shadows covertly in the driver's seat of their lives, passively letting life carry them as it will.
I'd rather be crazy than listless, passive and unconscious about the truth of myself. In reality, my "disorders" are the most orderly parts of my experience. I am multitudes, not a monolith.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Hostile Takeovers from Fractional Aspects of Self

Upon waking this morning I recalled snippets of dreams including writing in my realizations journal in my sleep.

Raederle, October 2017, Writing in her realizations journal, Ithaca, NY, U.S.A.
Instead of going to my dream journal to write my dreams, I went directly to my realizations journal and wrote:
Just because I declare a part of myself dead doesn’t make it so. The temporal aspects of self don’t die in the absence of attention. They simply grow strong in their resentment, in their emotional turmoil. These rejected parts are very strong when they resurface. They can hijack everything because of the force of their emotion.
Emotion is power and strength. It creates willpower to do what is needed to achieve one’s desires. It is the part of self with the strongest emotion at a given time that takes the lead.
Communication between internal parts of self and awareness of parts of self is not enough to prevent a “hostile takeover” from a singular (fractional) perspective within oneself. This sort of takeover can only be prevented by coming to common ground, coming to agreements, and creating internal peace.
A “hostile takeover” can look like sudden depression, angry outbursts, a mid-life crisis, or any emotionally directed change in outlook or direction.
This is why I repeatedly return to similar depression-states that feel exactly the same and have the same perspective. These depressions are “hostile takeovers” from a fractional aspect of myself that is repeatedly rejected and resurfaces in despair. This “repeated rejection” can come in the form of outright denial or suppression, or it can come in the form of neglect; there are certain things I don’t do for myself until I “need” them.

"Give loving attention to your needs."
Examples:
  • If I don’t take care of myself physically until I get sick, then I need to get sick in order to receive that kind of care from myself.
  • If I decide that my only objectives are (1) being a “good wife,” (2) accomplishing goals, (3) inspiring others, and (4) maintaining good health, completely ignoring any aspects of me that want to have fun or pleasure, then I’ll have to become depressed to the point where I feel no inspiration whatsoever to accomplish anything or take care of myself so that there is no other option but to seek something pleasurable or fun. (This is what happened to be yesterday and has been happening to me repeatedly recently.)
  • If I decide only to speak words that are kind, practical, useful and logical, then I may get a sore throat which only goes away when I finally decide to speak my personal truths – especially those truths which are often neglected, repressed, or ignored. (This has happened to me several times. The first time I was incredibly mystified because no physical treatments were having any impact.)
I decided to share the above excerpt of my realizations journal with you. But this is just one day's realization. Every day I write down my realizations. Many of them are embarrassingly personal. Others are so esoteric that most people wouldn't understand the significance.

"When you are ready to move forward you will feel more keenly all that is holding you back."
And yet, despite that, I've decided to make my full realizations journal available to an exclusive group of especially awesome people who are ready for all that I have to offer – the profound, the mundane, the esoteric, and the personal. Are you one of those people? If so, click here to join me.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Raederle's 2nd Annual Consciousness Week, 2017

Raederle's Second Annual Consciousness Week in Ithaca, New York.
Already know what workshop(s) you want to attend? Click the donate button below and enter the amount. Or, continue reading to learn all about Consciousness Week 2017.

2017 Consciousness Week Workshop Agenda

Each day has a sensory theme: Sight, Smell, Touch, Hearing and Taste. Each day is very unique. Outside of the themes we will also be delving into many kinds of consciousness alchemy. Interested in staying for the entire week? We have one slot for a week-long retreat here at The Alchemists' Home, at White Hawk Eco Village, Ithaca, N.Y., U.S.A..
Raederle's Art for Raederle.com

Consciousness Alchemy Sampler & Introduction

When? Tuesday, December 26, 2017, 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM
Where? The Alchemists' Home: 6 White Hawk Ln, Ithaca, N.Y., U.S.A.
Description:
This workshop is an introduction to Consciousness Alchemy. It is a sampler platter of concepts, activities, and experiences. This workshop will fun as a stand-alone experience and valuable as a precursor to later workshops throughout our Second Annual Consciousness Week here at The Home of the Alchemists.
In this workshop you will learn the five core principles of consciousness alchemy:
Multitudes of Self
  • Each self has a different voice
  • Inner child work
  • Teacher self versus student self
  • Roles in relationships
Conscious Focus
  • The meaning of presence
  • The role of presence in practices such as yoga, qi gong, tai chi and hypnosis
  • What consciousness is and how it relates to presence
  • How our conscious focus relates to the multitudes of self
Thinking Aspect versus Perceiving Aspect of Self
  • What happens when your conscious focus is thinking?
  • What happens when your conscious focus is feeling and perceiving?
  • The relationship between thinking, perceiving, feeling and the bodily senses
Universal Needs
  • Needs versus wants
  • The seventeen (or so) universal needs that all humans experience
Intuition
  • Intuitive actions
  • Unconscious, subconscious, conscious and supraconscious
  • Manifestation
As we move through these five core concepts of consciousness alchemy there will be activities to bring you deeper into these concepts. The workshop will include hands-on activities, listening, interacting, and time for questions.

What to bring?

You're welcome to bring a raw, vegan snack for yourself or to share. Even if it is just for yourself, we ask that you do not bring any low-energy foods to any workshop during consciousness week. You can learn more about raw foods on our Frequently Asked Questions page of our meetup group. (This page opens in a new window.)
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The Nature of Manifestation

When? Wednesday, December 27, 2017, 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM
Where? The Alchemists' Home: 6 White Hawk Ln, Ithaca, N.Y., U.S.A.
Description:
You will learn the answers to these difficult questions:
  1. Why do some gurus promote "positive focus" as the solution for all ailments, and yet many other gurus promote "facing our fears" or "shadow work" which causes us to focus on negative things? Which one is right for me?
  2. How can I effectively use positive focus and/or shadow work to bring into my life more of what I want?
  3. What techniques work best for manifesting a soulmate, friend or special person into my life?
  4. Can I really bring things into my reality just with my thoughts? If so, how can I encourage this to happen?
  5. Is what you're teaching the same as "the law of attraction"? I tried all of what was outlined in that documentary on the subject (The Secret) but it didn't work for me. Why?
  6. How is it possible for things to just "show up" in my life based on how I feel or think? What exactly causes this to happen, and why?
If you have more questions, those will be answered too!
In addition to answering these questions and your questions, we will also be doing an exercise where we create colorful abstract designs to represent our own unique "manifestation spheres" which will help clarify how you personally manifest things into your reality.
As with all workshops during consciousness week, you are encouraged to maintain a deeply integrated state of being where you are present with your heart and mind simultaneously, both free-associating and analytically thinking. You are encouraged to ask your toughest questions and to call out other participants and facilitator(s) on any non-integrated behaviors.
Raederle's Art for Raederle.com

Consciousness Week Pricing Information

If you attend the introductory sampler workshop, the later workshops during consciousness week are half price. (This applies to all workshops excepting the blind-folded dinner due to cost of organic, gourmet-quality foods. The blind-folded dinner is also exempt from the $5 off for preceding workshops, but the carpooling discount does apply.)
Also, for each workshop you attend, future workshops in the series are additionally $5 off. (So if you attend the introduction workshop, your second workshop is half off, your third is half off plus $5 off, your fourth is half off plus $10 off – which may make your fourth workshop free.) This is designed to make it affordable to attend all of the workshops if you choose.
Carpooling groups receive $2 off per person in the carpool. So, for a $20 workshop, a group of two pays $18 each. A group of three pays $16 each. A group of four pays pays $14 each.
Repeat attendees will receive a more immersive, life-changing experience; in turn, repeat attendees will be more satisfying for me as facilitator; I will enjoy watching you grow and pacing your realizations over the course of the week.
Please pay in advance using the donate button on this page. You can pay for multiple workshops at once, or just one at a time. Please be sure to also RSVP on the meetup group.
We have limited space. Those who pay their $20 in advance will have their spot guaranteed ahead of time. Thank you.
Raederle's Art for Raederle.com

Blindfolded Dinner

When? Saturday, December 30, 2017, 6:00 PM to 10:00 PM
Where? The Alchemists' Home: 6 White Hawk Ln, Ithaca, N.Y., U.S.A.
Description:
The theme of the day is taste.
In order to get fully in touch with your taste, it is time to eliminate your visual judgments about food. Without visual cues and expectations based on what you see, you'll experience food through smell and taste and mouth-feel in an immersive way.
The meal will be 100% organic, gluten-free, vegan and primarily raw. If you have any allergies, let me know and I will accommodate your needs.
This event specifically calls for four or five attendees (eight of us total, as Greg, Lytenian and I will all be present) – we will not take any more than that. This will be an intimate event. You'll take a turn at feeding a blind-folded person, and then you will take a turn being blind-folded and being fed.
This can be as intimate as putting the food directly in someone's mouth (like if you come with romantic partner), or it could be simply guiding someone's hand to food you put on their plate. This will be up to you and your partner in this exercise to decide.
Last year this event was so memorable that one participant said it was easily the most remarkable event of 2016 for them.
If you're wondering about the surprises being spoiled by going second, I've got you covered. We'll have some overlapping foods that both people try blindfolded, as well as new foods that come out during the second round to surprise everyone.
Expect to experience around thirty different flavors, some of which will be foods you've never tried before, and possibly never heard of.
Worried that you won't like everything? That's okay! This experience is about learning to embrace the full spectrum of taste.
This dinner will be mostly silent – no idle chit-chat during this spiritual experience – but I will be guiding you to go deeper into the experience in your mouth and smell in such a way that event unpleasant flavors will be a miraculous discovery for you.
Because of the cost of food, set-up, and organization, you must pay for this event in advance. It will be highly inconvenient for me if there are cancellations, so I will not be providing refunds if you have to cancel. Thank you for understanding.
The other workshops in this series are 50% off if you attend the opening workshop on December 26th, and an additional $5 off for each workshop you attend. This dinner does not apply to these discounts as the cost is going into the food. To sign up, click the donate button below and put in $35.
Much love, and looking forward to TASTING with you!
— Raederle
The Consciousness Alchemist
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Stay All Week With The Alchemists

We have just one slot – and only one slot – for someone to stay at our place for the entire week. You'll have a private room and all of your meals (100% organic) will be provided. You will also be provided with organic soaps, shampoos, conditioners, etc, to use while you are here. There will be appropriately 25 hours of workshop time included during Consciousness Week, and you'll participate in spontaneous aspects of the week outside of the workshops. The price for this special slot is $500. If you're interested, contact me directly. Please note that if you come for the week you will have to participate fully in the lifestyle of Consciousness Week which will include many protocols that will be unfamiliar to you. You must be ready for a life-changing shift in your consciousness.
Raederle's Art for Raederle.com
This page will be updated periodically as we approach Consciousness Week 2017. There will be 5 to 8 workshops in total over the course of five days.
Looking to read more about consciousness alchemy and related concepts? Here are some articles that may interest you:
— Raederle
The Consciousness Alchemist

Friday, August 25, 2017

Forgetting Words, Remembering Messages

Milan Kundera says, “Our period is obsessed with the desire to forget, and it is to fulfill that desire that it gives over to the demon of speed; it picks up the pace to show us that it no longer wishes to be remembered, that it is tired of itself, sick of itself; that it wants to blow out the tiny trembling flame of memory.”
After spending several consecutive days with primarily myself for company – often blindfolded and laying down quietly – I find myself returning to my selves. Childhood me that was playful. The me that had vivid imagination. A me that doesn't give a flying fuck for the time of day. Sleep when tired. Eat when hungry. Eat what I want – nothing more, nothing less. I am the person who fits perfectly into my own holes. I am the answer to my own emptiness. I've heard this before, but it is meaningless except when you feel it to be true. When it resonates with you, then it is power.
All truths are limited in their truth. Truths depend on what level I'm looking at or speaking to.
Too often I've been so focused on the words that I lost the message.
Too often I've been so focused on the outcome, I forgot the journey.
Except . . . It has been my choice to be less conscious. It has been my choice to be born, domesticated, broken, traumatized, burned, and cut. I came here to feel, and contrast is beautiful.
Learning to respect my boundaries. They are beautiful. They were lost a long time ago when I was told what was “appropriate” and what was not.
Today I remembered a memory from daycare where adults were talking about how I was sitting. They were so concerned. I was completely comfortable. I can feel in my body now how comfortable I was then. But their concern was hurtful, so I learned to sit in postures that felt unnatural and uncomfortable to my body so that the adults wouldn't fret. I wasn't even in kindergarten yet and already the process had begun! The process of losing myself, surrendering my selves to the comfort of those around me.
I was more interested in my own singing as a child than the radio. But my singing upset adults. I learned to stop singing. I detested all music for periods of my life. Now I see that it was just my own authenticity I wanted. My voice. My expression.
I had good taste. I liked lettuce and onions. I didn't want a tortilla shell, chicken, cheese and tomato, but that was what was for dinner. Over time my taste corrupted, numbed, deadened until I didn't know what I wanted. The all consuming question became: What needs eating? What is good for me?
Reading hurt my head as a child. I didn't read a book until I was thirteen or so. And it was a struggle, and I only did it because my mom tricked me into it by reading part of it aloud and then stopping. I begged her to continue, because the headaches were bad, but she wanted to ensure that I read. I don't regret becoming a reader in the least. However, my own guidance was good: Live in the imagination. Make my own stories. Let me dictate my own world to myself.
In meditation I discover truth more profoundly than in any book. A book can add context, nuance and depth to that which is already felt and explored in oneself. But a book rarely can supply a kinesthetic/emotional/feeling understanding of something that you have not already sought in yourself. A book can not cause you to truly grok something. You must feel to grok.
I am not a creator. I'm an adventurer traveling through dimensions – spaces, times, feelings – for the sheer pleasure of it. And I'm glad to be here with you, typing on a keyboard and feeling the rhythm of these delightful little finger-digits.
Much love, blessings, honor, respect, and divine introspection you.
Namaste – the divine in me recognizes and loves the divine in you.
Raederle
Note: This was written in October 2016 during one of my "fever awakenings." Another awareness I came to at this time in my life is documented in this entry: I've been really anal retentive . . . Curing Chronic Constipation.
You might also be interested in reading:

Friday, August 4, 2017

The First Objective Brandless Review

The company, Brandless, isn't so brand-free as it claims. For one thing, they've trademarked the term "Brandless"! Despite this small idiocy, I like the concept – a brand that focuses on quality products at unusually low prices by eliminating the middle-men (the sellers). Particularly I like that they carry a number of products that are certified organic that my household uses regularly such as raisins, olive oil and raw apple cider vinegar.
I wasn't sure at first that I really wanted to order from Brandless. They only just launched a couple weeks prior to my reading about them on Collective Evolution. A quick search online found me zero reviews on the products! There were lots of articles on different sites explaining their business model, and exclaiming about the $3 for everything price point.
So here I am, posting the very first (to my knowledge) Brandless review.
Brandless's website is well organized and easy to search. You can shop by department – non-perishable food, cleaning supplies, health and beauty products, personal care items or office supplies – or you can shop by values. Of course, I went straight for the values and checked the boxes for gluten-free, no added sugar, vegan* and organic. (While I'm not strictly vegan I only ever consume animal products from local sources where I know the farmer personally. I ensure the animals are not being fed any genetically modified feed and that their owners are compassionate, responsible, eco-minded people.)
I was particularly impressed that they had a filter for "no added sugar," but I was disappointed to see how many of their products contained sugar in the first place. I even wrote them to let them know that many of their organic products would be appealing to my household if they left out the sugar. To my delighted surprise, I received an immediate response which validated my feedback and encouraged more in the future.
Unfortunately, the website's filters seem to glitch every now and then. I went back to the website just now to remind myself all of the options that are available with those four filters on and somehow it filtered out apple cider vinegar and olive oil, among other things, even though I'm very certain there are no animal products or added sugar in their ingredients. I'm sure that they'll remedy this soon. I'll write to them again to ensure they do.
Currently available food items that are gluten-free, vegan, organic and have no added sugar: canned black beans, cammed kidney beans, canned garbanzo beans, blue and yellow corn tortilla chips, peanut butter, pasta sauce, salsa, raisins, applesauce, coffee, blue corn taco shells, quinoa, rice, olive oil, coconut oil, raw apple cider vinegar, and mustard.
Of this list, I decided to order olive oil, raisins, blue corn tortilla chips, brown basmati rice and mustard. For my readers who know me as a raw food guru and are baffled by these choices, I recommend reading about my awakening into the world of intuitive eating which I titled, I've been really anal retentive; Curing Chronic Constipation. (Also, mostly these are for my husbands.)
I was worried about the possibility that the entire thing was a scam, so I didn't let myself get tempted to order a lot for increased shipping efficiency. But, hooray, it wasn't a scam – my food arrived just a few days later. Here is what it looked like:

First Impressions

So far I've only tried the corn chips. They were crisp and as I expect corn chips to be, although definitely less salty than other brands I've tried. I would think most health-enthusiasts would consider this a plus. My intuition tells me not to eat many chips (or any), so I only had a few and then set them aside for my husbands. Mostly Greg. He sunburns easily, so I taught him about the magical powder of the antioxidant lycopene, which is most copiously present in tomatoes. Hence, he makes himself salsa on days when he's outside working on building a covered bridge, a solarium, or a stone patio.
While I don't recommend salty, dehydrating corn chips as part of an after-sun routine, Greg's favorite way to get a lot of lycopene is salsa with chips. (Yes, we've tried chia crackers and flax crackers as alternatives. They work, but they cost more in base cost as well as labor and electricity running our dehydrator.) Thus, I simply insist that the corn and the oil have to be organic. After all, canola is a major genetically modified crop – so if you're eating organic corn with non-organic canola oil, you may still be eating a gmo! Also, even if the canola oil isn't gmo, if it isn't organic, then it is almost certainly sprayed with roundup. Hence, I was delighted to find out that Brandless corn chips use organic oil as well as organic corn.
Overall, I'd say that Brandless is doing a better job than the majority of companies at doing the sustainable, ecological, healthy thing. However, I was rather distressed to see that their so-called "responsibly sourced" notebooks are not printed on recycled paper and they come from China. How can that possibly be responsible? There only statement about their "responsibly sourced" tag is this: "An FSC certified product helps maintain the health of the world's forests for future generations." I feel extreme doubt about huge ships carrying things overseas and then claiming to be saving the world's forests. We have plenty of alternative paper-making sources here such as corn husks.
Same thing for their plates – they come from China. I suspect this is a result of their concept of "everything for $3." That sounds nice, but who is paying for whatever we're not paying for? Hopefully not the whales of the ocean.
A perusal of their non-food items generally left me unimpressed (with one or two exceptions which I'll get to in a moment). The toothpaste not only contains xylitol and sorbitol, it also contains stevia – undoubtedly the refined, white stevia. It is made in the United States, and yes, it contains great essential oils that are good for your mouth hygiene, but you can take excellent care of your mouth with home-made products and skip fillers such as glycerin (which actually puts a coating on your teeth and prevents your teeth from creating their own enamel effectively).
Their hand-soap is sulfate-free, but otherwise just as toxic as most handsoaps from its "fragrance" to its long list of chemical ingredients; I'll stick with Dr. Bronner's, thanks.

Organic Cotton!

Brandless cotton balls, however, are certified organic cotton and are made in the United States. As some of my readers probably already know, organic fabric is very important to me. When I learned that a quarter of all pesticides sprayed in the U.S. are sprayed on cotton, I was aghast. Worse, most cotton is genetically modified! I immediately stopped buying all new cotton clothing, but that left me with few options, because I also don't wear polyester. (Polyester is a plastic which wastes a lot of water in production. It is not ecological or natural. It also is itchy and particularly bad for women. It contains phyto-estrogen which gives some women unnatural hormonal responses which is why some women, like me, get irritated skin when they wear it.)
As I write about in my book, Living Big & Traveling Far on $8,000 a Year (or Less!), my first approach to boycotting conventional cotton was to buy organic cotton at discount prices as then make my own clothing. That worked for a few years, but I found it particularly troublesome to make my own underwear and impossible to make my own socks.
The first company to my rescue was PACT with their great-feeling, great-fitting, super-soft, organic cotton underwear and socks. More recently they've expanded into a growing clothing line. Because of PACT, I can now say my entire wardobe is now either organic cotton, linen, or hemp.
I've also supplemented with a few items from Maggie's Organics which is cheaper, but correspondingly not as soft or durable; and from Coyuchi. Coyuchi is the most expensive of the three, but they sell towels of incredible quality and the nightgown I purchased from them is literally the most comfortable sleepwear I've ever purchased.

Conclusion

Brandless has something going for it. Hopefully, in time, they'll expand their product lines that are unsweetened and rethink sourcing products from China.
If you found this article informative, please do sign up for my e-letters below.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Raederle on the Radio — With Footage!

Raederle on Life, Spirituality, & Polyamory

Live radio episode where Eric interviews Raederle Phoenix on April 30th 2017. Raederle discusses her life in general talking about her hobbies, her day to day life, her belief systems, her two husbands, and her work.
Photos, font, artwork and video overlay are Raederle's creations (with a few photos taken by Lytenian, Greg or Raederle's parents) unless otherwise stated. (There are a few photos by photographers that are Raederle's friends – they're cited on the photos they took.)
WRFI Community Radio for Ithaca and Watkins Glen.

Raederle on Business, Nutrition & Health

Feb 17, 2013. Andrea Todaro and Dale Martin interview Raederle Phoenix about her business in Western New York in the field of health, nutrition and raw food.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

How to tell the difference between intuition and cravings

One person may be craving almonds while another person may be getting intuitive guidance to eat almonds. Let's look at how these two different people will behave:

Eating Really Fast – A Sign of Cravings

If you're craving almonds, you'll feel inclined to eat them quickly, and now. If you're getting an intuitive feeling from your body, you won't feel in a rush. If you're craving almonds, you'll find it hard to chew them all the way before putting more in your mouth. If you're intuitively guided to eat almonds, you'll find it easy and relaxing to chew them thoroughly.
Cravings give a false sense of urgency. Your intuition knows you have plenty of time.

Eating Lightly – A Sign of Intuitive Connection

When you're in touch with your body, you'll find you don't need to eat as much. You'll feel inclined to eat more slowly and chew more thoroughly, which will allow you to absorb more from what you eat. Also, you'll eat exactly what you need, making your body more efficient. Being in touch will also result in less stress, causing you to burn less calories and nutrients in the metabolic processes of stress itself. All of this will result in a much lighter load.
Cravings are easily identified by their need for large volumes. When you feel inclined to eat an entire jar of cashew butter or an entire carton of coconut yogurt in one sitting, that's a sign that you're experiencing a craving.

Cravings versus Intuition

Cravings, at their root, come from emotional destitution. The sense of 'I'm lacking something,' at an emotional level quickly translates to lacking something on the physical level. One simple example of this is how stress burns up nutrients and creates metabolic waste. So when you're feeling like you're not getting enough support (i.e. experiencing a sense of lack, also known as taṇhā), and this causes you stress, you start to burn through your reserves of vitamin B12 and other nutrients. This, in turn, causes you to intensely crave whatever foods you've eaten most recently which contain some amount of the nutrients you're burning through.
You can go indulge in your craving for a quick fix, but the chances are that your cravings will jerk you around in very inefficient ways. It may be that you need omega-3, sodium, an array of minerals, and vitamin B12, and so you have French fries with cheese and extra salt. You'll get a little of all of those things, but in the long run, you'll be depleting even more resources. You'll run out of your limited supply of lipase enzyme which you use to digest fat, for example, and so if after the French fries you eat some lean fish or flax oil which contain a more useful supply of fat, you'll not yet have restored the lipase supply and miss out on a better source of nutrition.
The cheese will also add to your overall toxin load, creating further need for antioxidants in your body. The table salt will not have appropriately balanced minerals, causing you to need even more minerals. And the amount of B12 will be so minimal as to not be enough to compensate for severe stress.
So as you can see, your craving makes sense, but it is overall not helpful to indulge in. A analytical, left-brained approach to this issue is to learn the root need at the physical level and address that. If you analyze your craving for French fries with cheese and realize that, indeed, you're lacking in healthy fats, an array of minerals including sodium, and vitamin B12, you might to instead choose to have a salad with flax oil, Hawai'ian sea salt (which is red) or Himalayan salt (which is pink), and a sprinkle of B12-enriched nutritional yeast.
If you make this logical choice in response to your cravings, you may notice that you still have an emotional need that was not met by the salad. Perhaps you wanted the feeling of your teeth sinking into hot, oily fries because that sensation you associate with safety and being loved, which is precisely what is missing and making you feel stressed out in your day-to-day life right now. This is where consciousness alchemy comes in – tools to help get you more in touch with your body, your feelings, your repressed desires, your needs, and your intuition.
Intuitive choices arise from feeling your deepest truth about your needs. The more choices you make from an intuitive place, the more your life seems to flow naturally and easily from one good thing to the next. Intuition brings a sense of zen to your work and a sense of meaning to your life. Intuitive choices feel so good because they are born out of an integrated view of yourself.
Cravings come from small, isolated parts of you without the benefit of input from your whole committee of self. This is why you feel stupid when you look back at what you ate yesterday. You think to yourself, "I knew if I ate that I would feel terrible today, so why did I do it?" You did it because you were selectively identified with a small part of you, and not hearing the whole of yourself; you were not hearing the part of you that was saying, "Oh no, please don't do that. It'll hurt tomorrow!" This is what happens when you are not on speaking terms with yourself.
Intuition becomes stronger as you integrate yourself and as you listen to it. It is like a muscle that gets stronger with use. Every time you listen to your intuition, it becomes more clear, more strong. Every time you ignore it, it dies back and becomes more faint. This is why most people can barely hear anything at all from their intuition. If you're someone who feels taht you don't get intuitive messages from your body or emotions, you want to start out with the procedure I outline below.

Listening to your Intuition – A Beginner's Method

When you're out of touch with your intuition it takes effort to get back in touch. The 'voice' will be very faint and easily drowned out by the smallest stimuli. Even the sound of a keyboard will be enough to drown it out. Even your night-light may be too much. This is why I recommend full sensory deprivation for getting in touch with yourself. (If you get migraines, it may be because you desperately want to get in touch with your intuition, and so you're causing yourself to experience pain from all sensory input in order to force you to spend time without any sensory input.)
Here is how to meditate without sensory distraction:
  • Blindfold yourself or rest a shirt or blanket over your eyes in a dark room. (The blindfold, shirt or blanket is to make sure the darkness is complete. Your pineal gland is remarkably good at picking up light even through your eyelids – even the little LED lights on your computer.)
  • Make sure all your windows are closed and all noise-making devices in your home are off. If you can hear neighbors whatsoever, turn on an air-filter or other white-noise machine until you can't. Another option is to play a recording of ocean waves that has no abrupt sounds in the recording.
  • Lay flat on your back or sitting up as perfectly straight as you can manage so that your spine is straight from the crown of your head to the tip of your tail-bone. On your back, lay with your arms flat on the bed, preferably with your palms facing upward, but they can be downward if that is more comfortable. Keep your legs somewhat apart. The most important aspects of your posture is that you're symmetrical, comfortable and completely still.
  • Breathe deeply and focus on everything you feel from head to toe. Do not let yourself fall asleep. Focus intently on your feelings. You are expecting a series of messages from your body in the form of sensations and emotions. Stay awake and listen.
  • Even with the best intentions, some people will still fall asleep. Try to stay awake and make notes to yourself in your mind about your experience. Narrate to yourself: "I feel warmer in my right foot than in my left food. I notice pain in my lower back. I am getting chills on my arms. I've been feeling cold all day except while I was running. I felt good while I was running. I am remembering running and enjoying that feeling. I think my body is telling me that it wishes I went for a run more regularly." You can narrate in your mind, or you can do so aloud. If you have a habit of falling asleep while meditating, then doing so aloud may be your best bet. Try to stay entirely still other than the movement required for speaking.
    Do this process for at least ten minutes at a time. Ideally, do it every day. You can do it right before sleeping at night, and before you let yourself go to sleep you can take out a notebook and write down your messages to yourself so that you won't lose them overnight. If you do this before bed it is important that you use some method to ensure you maintain the integrative benefits by remembering the process consciously. This can be writing, recording, or talking with a partner.
    For a crash-course in life itself and what it means to be you, do this process for three whole days. Your entire life will change. Mine sure did.

    Intuitive Grocery Shopping

    Once you've done the process outlined above for getting in touch with your intuition a few times, you can start using your intuition at the grocery store. For every thing your eyes land on, notice how you feel about the food. Try to ignore your judgments about whether or not the food tastes good or whether it is good for you or the planet. Just feel. Let yourself put everything that feels good in the cart. Then, before checking out, let your logic come back in and go back over your cart and try to feel and think simultaneously. This is what integration is about – your logic working together with your comprehensive, intuitive understanding of yourself.
    Notice how you feel if you choose to put some things back. Do you feel highly disappointed? Do you feel betrayed or let down? Or do you feel relieved? Trust the emotion you feel when putting something back. Relief means that part of you knew that was a really bad idea, and so go ahead and leave those things at the grocery store. Resentment or disappointment indicates that you really had your heart set on it. Maybe it is a bit expensive, maybe it isn't always the best thing for you, but right now part of you is calling out for it.
    If you have a conflict of logic and emotion, try not to bulldoze over one or the other. Instead, let yourself process. Yes, right there in the grocery store! Why not? What's the worst that will happen? Someone might see you crying and feel concerned? You'll be okay. Trust yourself to be capable of figuring it out right then and there. Ask yourself questions like, "If I get this item this time, will I feel good about myself tomorrow?" "Why do I want to eat this?" "Am I buying this for an emotional need or for a physical need?" "What is creating my need for this food?" "Where in my body am I desiring this food?" "What pain or consequence will I get as a result of eating this food, if any?"
    Remember that your body will primarily respond with feelings. So if you ask why you want something, the response might be tingling feet. You have to be tuned-in enough to notice that your feet are tingling and then feel into that as deeply as you can. It might bring you to a memory of another time your feet were tingling, and how you were feeling at that time, for example.
    As you can probably tell, intuitive grocery shopping is not something you want to do with a deadline. Give yourself hours to be in the store. It may only take you as long as usual. You may find yourself bursting through the store with child-like delight and awe as you let yourself be drawn to what feels right and good to you and you might not have to put anything back when you check in with yourself before checking out. Or, it might be a long, long process where you feel doubt and concern and waffle with yourself for a long time. Both processes are a success. Even trying to listen to yourself helps build trust and moves you close to an integrated, whole self.

    Using Food To Escape

    Another tell-tale sign of cravings is the need to escape from something you're experiencing. Intuition is always focused on moving toward something that you want. Cravings are often about moving away from an experience you don't want. You may experience cravings for food, for example, when you've been at your computer too long and your body is trying to tell you to get up, right now!
    You might also be interested in reading:

    Thursday, July 20, 2017

    Ask Raederle: Emotional Safety in Polyamory

    "How do you handle emotional safety and managing your two simultaneous relationships? Isn't it challenging? Why do you feel like you can handle a third relationship?"
    Emotional safety is a subject of much personal interest and struggle for me, so I'll start there.
    I find my two relationships highly complimentary.
    I've been with Lytenian since December 2009, so our relationship has a lot of history. We're both introspective and committed to a non-fluff sort of relationship. We're actually better at crying together and tackling tough emotional conversations than we are at being light-hearted.
    Hence, Greg coming into my life in 2015 being such a relief – we have fun together and do the fluffy things.
    Greg has become Lyth's best friend, and the three of us living together has more advantages than disadvantages.
    I practice something called conscious, material love. This means that, like most people today, I am subject to the pit-falls of material love – possessiveness, attachment, insecurity, jealousy, envy, and all the other manifestations of taṇhā (a chronic, underlying sense that one is lacking something causing a thirst that is unquenchable/insatiable) – but that I am also a conscious lover, and thereby communicative of my feelings, pitfalls, reasons, desires, needs, and willing to do what it takes to make the relationship feel rewarding to all parties involved.
    I am fortunate that both Lyth and Greg are actually better at spiritual love than I am – the kind of love that is more about essence and less about possession. Yet both of them have learned (and continue to learn) from me how to be more conscious lovers – how to self-examine from both a left-brained/analytical/thinking state and a right-brained/feeling/intuitive state. The former being Greg's natural inclination and the later being Lytenian's natural inclination.
    Non-conscious material-love relationships are the most common, and they thrive only when there is strict adherence to agreed upon roles in the relationship. Because of the deterioration of established gender roles, these kinds of relationships are becoming increasingly short-lived.
    With this overview, you may find it fairly deducible that I find my two husbands add to my emotional safety rather than detracting from it. While they are both free to seek other women – emotionally, sexually, physically, intellectually, spiritually – and to create other commitments if they wish to, neither expresses much of an interest in doing so. Whenever they do find occasion to flirt with or kiss another woman, I do experience jealousy and I am challenged by it. We talk about it a lot after the fact, and have learned a lot about ourselves and each other through these experiences.
    I've found that most of my jealousy stems from a belief that if I were to have a metamour (a partner of one of my partners), then she would not care adequately about my feelings and would trample my emotional security. I've yet to actually have the experience of having a metamour, so I suspect that once I do have the experience, it will dispel this fear.

    How can it be safe for me to pursue a third relationship?

    When polyamorous, and involved in existing, stable relationships absent of resentment, I believe adding new relationships is no more complicated or risky than adding a relationship when single.
    I believe I'm coming from a place of genuinely wanting to give my husbands more alone time (which they both feel is beneficial – I've asked), which is a place of compassion, not resentment. And also from a place of wanting to grow my own perspective, which is a form of self-love. So it seems that my seeking of a third is coming from a healthy place. I say "seems" because I am always open to uncovering further subconscious motives as I continue my consciousness alchemy.
    Another aspect of why it is safe for me to seek a third relationship is because both of my existing partners enjoy a lot of time to work on their own projects and introspect. I tend to be attracted to people who are intelligent, introspective and passionate – which leads me to workaholic, introverted geeks. A third such person in my life would also have limited available time for me, and thereby would fit nicely into my own available time.
    This is something worth considering when venturing into polyamory. How much time do you want to spend with each partner? How much time does each partner want to spend with you?
    In my case, I want to spend a lot of time with each partner, especially in the beginning as we're getting to know each other. And I keep my life flexible enough to actually spend that time with my partners. But the people I want to connect with tend to be specifically the sort of people who need a lot of time to themselves. This makes me a perfect fit for polyamory – so long as I continue to attract non-jealous, spiritually loving individuals.
    Further reading that may interest you:
    — Raederle
    The Consciousness Alchemist
    Have a question for Raederle? Visit my contact page.

    Tuesday, July 18, 2017

    Are you too selfish?

    Selfish. Self-centered. Self-absorbed. These are three terms that we've got absolutely wrong.
    What these terms imply with their words is not aligned with the connotation. The word "selfish" implies that someone is of themselves. The term "self-centered" implies that someone is centered within themselves. The term "self-absorbed" implies that someone is absorbed in themselves.
    Yet the connotation that we apply to these three terms is not at all what the words themselves imply.
    Consider the behavior of a so-called selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed person. They do things that hurt other people. They are blind to the pain of others. They run rough-shod over other people's feelings, dreams and hard-work. They don't seem able to really listen, really understand, really empathize or grok anyone at all. They are unkind, uncaring, and inconsiderate. They are highly preoccupied with showing off and collecting praise, but don't pay attention when others show-off and they don't praise others.
    They seem to have nothing but self-interest, but the fact is, a so-called selfish person has yet to take any real interest in themselves. A person who is truly interested in themselves will take time that is just for themselves. They will feel what it means to be human, deeply. A person who is truly centered in themselves will be highly compassionate, because to be inside oneself is to have an open heart that recognizes the hearts and hurts of others. To be embodied in yourself in a positive, complete way means following your own bliss.
    A person who is living a life of their own personal bliss is not concerned with showing-off, collecting praise, being defensive, arguing other people down, or taking roughly from others; on the contrary, a person who is living their own bliss is so full of their own joy, excitement and enthusiasm that everyone around them is uplifted, inspired and feels deeply seen.
    A person who has absorbed their own truths will be able to understand and empathize with others much more deeply. Such a person knows what deep grief feels like – because they have been present with themselves and their own pain. This self-knowing is the most critical knowing to enable deep compassion of others.
    This is a very personal frustration for me because I grew up hearing that I was being selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed and even full of myself. I tried to "stop" being those things by looking outside myself. I tried to care more about what other people said. I forced myself to listen to others to be polite even when I didn't want to. I didn't understand that the reason it was so hard to listen to others was because I was not listening to myself, and so listening to others felt like a betrayal. I was jealous of my own attention going outward when it wouldn't come inward. I didn't understand that external focus was only going to worsen the condition I was being accused of.
    The next time someone is being "selfish" – i.e. blind to their own real best interests, feelings, dreams and internal reality – see if you can get them to actually pay attention to their own heart. Ask them kindly, "What are you really feeling right now?" or "What do you feel in your heart right now?" or "What did you really want to get out of that?" And then, after they answer, lead them deeper by asking them "Why?"
    By leading someone who is being blind into themselves, you will start to open their eyes. Someone who is chronically repressing their feelings will not be able to see the outer world clearly until they can see their internal conflicts, hopes, motives and beliefs clearly.
    Try leading a narcissist into themselves. If they're a complete narcissist, they won't be able to do it. They'll be terrified of the possibility and have to escape the situation or deflect it. If they have a lot of narcissistic behaviors, but some openness, you'll watch them go through an incredible transformation as you get them to actually look within.
    Remember: If you do not go within, you go without.
    — Raederle
    The Consciousness Alchemist

    Sunday, July 16, 2017

    Addictions versus Needs

    Raederle's Art for Raederle.com

    What is the difference between something you're addicted to and something you need?

    The only difference between an addiction and a need is the perception that the addiction is something we don't actually need.
    The things we need and the things we're addicted to function in the same way:
    • We feel compelled to ensure that we can reliably secure them.
    • We do everything we can to ensure that we get them.
    • We feel real suffering when we fail to get them.
    The ironic thing is that there actually is no difference between a perceived need and a real need. So the "addictions" are just as real because the person with the addiction is perceiving a real need. Even when they intellectually can say, "I don't actually need this," they still emotionally feel that they do. If they didn't feel they still needed it, they would give it up.
    This means that your "real" needs become addictions the moment that you intellectually realize that you don't actually need them. Food becomes an addiction the moment you realize that you don't actually need it.
    A person who has mastered breatharianism is someone who no longer emotionally needs food (and thereby doesn't need it physically either). An aspiring breatharian is someone who intellectually knows they don't need food, but feels a painful emotional attachment that they call an addiction.
    Someone who never perceives food as a false-need lives in a reality where food is not an addiction, but simply a real need. The difference between needs and addictions is our attitude – our perception.
    Think of an alcoholic. They have a real emotional need for their alcohol, but the moment they realize they don't actually need the alcohol – because, actually, they need deep connection with other human beings and a sense of belonging – then they realize they have an addiction. It remains an addiction up until the point that they no longer have an emotional need for alcohol.
    Click here to return to the Consciousness Alchemy Glossary. Also, please sign up for my e-letters below and check out my books.

    Saturday, July 15, 2017

    Intuitive Eating

    What does an intuitive diet look like?

    Following my intuition has led me to make an endless series of shifts in my diet.
    I'm honoring young aspects of myself that still miss fried foods by incorporating all-organic, home-fried foods that are gluten-free and sweetener-free and taking digestive enzymes with the meal to compensate for the difficulty in digestion.
    I'm honoring my body with days where I rest primarily and consume nothing but water.
    I'm honoring my ambition with days where I eat for energy; every morsel of food is delivered to give me maximum benefits. On days like that, I consume a mostly frutarian diet with perhaps a little cashew yogurt or a little home-rolled oats.
    I'm honoring the nutritionist in me that studied plant composition for years by including greens in every day that I'm not strictly fasting, whether in the form of a giant salad, or a fresh vegetable juice. On days where I'm short on time, I have several scoops of green powder combined with coconut water for a delicious, refreshing, replenishing meal.
    When I listen to myself and get the whole message and carry out the full directions from my supraconscious and subconscious needs and desires, I find that my results are better than any one limited set of rules could ever be. Although, I have to be careful to be sure I'm hearing my intuition and not just giving in to cravings. This is an important distinction, which you can read more about here: Intuition versus Cravings.
    In the past, I've been a strict raw foodist, a strict vegan, a strict raw vegetarian, and so on. I find that anything we go so far as to identify with later becomes a problem. Identification with something creates a strong attachment that is hard to break. Later, when you need to adapt in order to survive or thrive, it hurts tremendously to change because it literally breaks our identity which feels like a death.
    How I moved from being strictly identified with being a raw foodie to being an intuitive being is an incredible story which I will be sharing over time. One of the most pivotal points in this story happens in October 2016 where I had what I now call a "fever awakening." Much of my awakening had to do with why I've been constipated my entire life, so that's where this story begins: I've been really anal retentive . . . Curing Chronic Constipation.

    Wednesday, July 12, 2017

    New Threat To Our Freedom of Speech

    I find it hard to talk to anybody about any of the strong opinions I've come to over the years about black culture versus white culture. I grew up in a ghetto that was part black and part Puerto Rican. I experienced a lot of racism against white people, and against myself in particular. I was harassed and threatened. Many of the white people I associated were beaten up by local gangs. One such person showed up on my doorstep severely bleeding when I was fourteen.
    Are you offended yet? Should I say "African American" instead of "black" even though the black people I grew up around called themselves black? Should I call it simply a neighborhood and not a ghetto even though the people in my neighborhood called it a ghetto?
    I was starting to like this girl who organized events for people in their early twenties in Buffalo. It was a "after you leave youth group" group. She found my ways of speech so offensive that she unfriended me on facebook and said she didn't want to see me again. She was very concerned with being politically correct and making sure that people didn't use 'hate speech' or participate in 'rape culture' or make racist statements.
    Look, I know as well as any gay person how hard it is to constantly be bombarded by hurtful statements. I feel hurt every time someone invites me to a bonfire. I can't attend a barbecue or a bonfire or a sage smudging because of my severe sensitivity to smoke. I'm hurt when people invite me to dinners and potlucks because I know I won't be able to eat anything there.
    I'm blocked from normal communion with other human beings through my chemical and food sensitivities. Even hugging people is scary because if I inhale while I hug someone, the chances are I'll come away from the hug with a migraine due to their shampoo or antiperspirant.
    My sensitivities give me a life of isolation, too. It isn't just gay people, trans people, black people, or people who live in extreme poverty who experience pain. There are people with invisible illnesses. There are people with such severe developmental trauma that they become manic narcissists who never get to experience real love in their life.
    Is this really any good reason to block our freedom of speech? Does it make any sense to increase censorship in response to people's pain? Much of the pain stems from our closed-mouth culture in the first place! Trying to silence everyone for their "hate speech" is not going to help. It will make things worse.
    Emotion has a natural progression. It goes like this:
    1. Venom: anger, resentment
    2. Grief, sadness
    3. Anxiety, fear, worry, old woundings
    4. Apologetic, remorse, understanding
    5. Love, foregiveness, creativity, awe, relief, peace and joy
    Considering this progression, what do you think happens when you cut off everyone's outlet for their venom?
    Before you want to shut someone up who is hurting you, think about that.
    — Raederle Phoenix
    The Consciousness Alchemist

    Am I addicted to shadow work?

    July 12th 2017

    Blog Post / Journal Entry

    In 2013 I met a woman who taught me to go into my pain. This technique of going into the eye of the storm led me to being better-able to follow my joy. It seems that what Teal calls spirituality 2.0 is the best way to achieve spirituality 101. Or at least, I realize that is what I've been doing for years.
    I experience joy only after going through a period of intense venom, grief, fear and regrets. The more deeply I go into these emotions, and the more I let them wash over me and consume me, the more complete the peace and joy is at the end of it. Teal talks about this natural progression of emotion in her video How to Express Emotion as well as in her second book.
    But in her video Spirituality 2.0 – where she so beautifully shows us her tears – she talks about 2.0 coming only after we give up on reaching joy through external means and we begin to look inward. I feel like I'm trying to look everywhere for joy, desperately, inward and outward. I seek pain out within my internal world in response to the smallest things in my outer world because I'd rather have something real than feel empty. I feel so alive when I'm in the center of my suffering, when I'm on the wave of grief.
    What's concerning me is that I seem to be addicted at times to shadow work. I can't tell if I'm healing myself or wallowing sometimes. I'm getting better at seeing the difference between genuine presence with my pain (which is followed, eventually, by joy) and simply moping/complaining/wallowing (which is endlessly followed by more of the same, with no joy following unless I can get to that real place at the center of it).
    I can understand, intellectually, that we're here to feel pain in every form. After all, we've chosen to be material beings to see what it is like to not be source consciousness, to not be perfect beings of unconditionally love. Anything that isn't unconditional love will be some form of pain, right?
    But while that makes sense to me, and sometimes I can glory in the beauty of this masterful design and feel its truth coursing through me . . . Most of the time I feel uneasy about the ratio of suffering to joy. Am I really so resistant that I must suffer so much at the hands of my self-inflicted pain? Why? Why suffer when I've manifested myself such a beautiful life, where so many of my old dreams are now fulfilled? Am I really doing this just so that I won't get bored? What would be so bad about being bored?
    Perhaps I'm such an expansion junkie that I choose this suffering by way of growing pains.
    — Raederle

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